I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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