if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
