Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize