I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize