Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She announced her abortion via fbk
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
