The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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