so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
