Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Im part way to drunk.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
