forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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