He uses pillows to masturbate.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
