i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
