Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So squirting runs in the family.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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