Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
