if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
