No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
