I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
