In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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