Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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