new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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