The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
