My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
