We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Dicks are not precious.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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