I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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