everyone is single if you try hard enough
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Randomize
