Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
