my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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