I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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