remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
