I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
