im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think my vagina is haunted
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
