I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My liver just had a heart attack.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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