i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
