I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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