Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Send help, water and tortillas.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
