My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
