He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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