Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
