I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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