I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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