worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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