apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
