Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
