My hand turned me down
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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