i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm both gender and math confused
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
