Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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