are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
