Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Drunk is not a location!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
