i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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