I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I will pee on everything he values.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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