someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
