I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
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