I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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