Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
