No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
