Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
