i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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