my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
