I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
