Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
