watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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